One night while sitting on the couch in the living room after a long conversation, my host grandfather said to me, “I wake up at 5 am every day and I pray for your stay to be extended.” I felt a surge of joy overcome me as I said goodnight and headed upstairs.
When I first arrived in Malaysia, it was difficult to see a future where I had made the exchange-student-coveted “second family that is just as close as my original” bond I had heard others talk about. I felt awkward and out of my element when I tried to join the conversations at meal times or when there was a wave of silence in the car. Conversations that came so easily with my natural family were simply... not natural. I didn’t know how to talk like I did with my natural family because I had never been in a situation where my acting family was not my natural family. I had always faced new environments with the comfort of my family, but now I was at a loss. While I knew that it was not going to be easy at first I had somewhat expected for nervousness to wear off in the first few days. Easier said than done.
Early into my exchange, I met a woman who told us how she is still in contact with her host family from Denmark after 50 years. Afterwards, a few of the other exchange students and I discussed our own relationships with our host families. One student confident said, “they [the student’s host family] will be coming to my wedding for sure.” At that moment, I felt so inadequate to this student’s bonds that they had already made. I stressed about how I handing had those political conversations they described or discussed my marriage plans. In hindsight, this seems very silly. But in that moment, I was convinced that the logistics of my hypothetical wedding was a topic of essential discussion.
Gradually, however, I saw my relationship with my host family grow. One of my favorite conversation I have had was with my host dad while we were in Kelantan. We had just come back from the nearest pasar malam (night market) and it was just him and I sitting at the table eating. I made a comment about the amount of plastic used at the pasar malam and how it seemed unnecessary. To my surprise, my host dad passionately agreed and we had an hour-long conversation about environmental problems in Malaysia as well as the education provided to inform others about these problems. I finally got my political conversation! Now all I needed was my hypothetical marriage conversation and I would have successfully achieved a life-long bond with my host family.
Just kidding. I realized that it was a certain level of comfort that I had reached with my host family that made it possible to have more uncomfortable conversations while at the dinner table.
Then, in January, my host grandfather came to live with us. I have not talked to someone for so long about their life before. I feel as though I know his life better than I know my own natural parent’s lives at this point. Suddenly, I was spending hours everyday getting a glimpse into his past, learning more about Islam, and getting insight on his thoughts. I have so much appreciation for these conversations I’ve had these past couple of months. Which is why I felt so much joy when he told me that he was hoping that I could stay longer. In Islam, Muslims pray five times a day. For him to use time in the morning to pray that my stay is extended here in Malaysia is one of the sweetest things anyone has done for me. He includes me when thinking about those he loves, a true testament to the bond that can be created while on exchange.
My host mom supports me when I presented an idea to others, my host dad and I have many thoughtful discussions, my host grandfather cares about my openly in a way I did not think was possible in the beginning, my host siblings feel truly like siblings to me, my entire host family laughs at my sarcasm, and so much more. I am eternally grateful for my host family that has become the life-long bond I was so unsure of 8.5 months ago.
When you first begin exchange everything is new and you are desperately trying to find the key to creating familiar bonds with your new family. I’ve now learned that there isn’t a key hiding somewhere in Malaysia that I needed to find. Rather, I was handed a piece of metal and a lock and I needed to forge a working key with my host family for the lock, not on my own.
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